I was fun and flirty and skinny and pretty and snarky and had a bazillion friends and ‘friends’. My friend, who is my Bumble compatriot, says ‘yeah, Grey is on the fast track’. You might be terrified of what your partner will say or do if you tell them. He used to put you up on a pedestal…and now all he does is try to tear you down. From little things to big things, you feel like your partner never listens. They lie about things they don’t need to lie about. They can swear on their life that they are not lying. A healthy person is consistent in the way they treat people, regardless of their status. Your partner has a bad reputation or a tradition of “messy relationships”. One day, he is caring and loving and wonderful, and the next he is hateful and raging and mean. You are afraid to talk, or when you do talk you feel like you are never heard, your words are taken out of context, misunderstood, or blatantly ignored. In the beginning of a relationship they might seem like everything you ever wanted….usually this is because they are trying to act like everything you ever wanted. You have no support group and therefore your partner gains more power. He or she might be mean to people they think are “below them” or people who are defenseless, like babies or children.If a teacher fails them, or a coworker says something bad about them, they feel entitled to revenge.Or, if they do something nice for you, they feel entitled to a reward, and if you don’t do what they want, they are entitled to punish you. Your partner embarrasses you in front of other people or talks badly behind your back. They might talk to other people about how bad they have it and how hard it is to date someone like you. Each time he hurts you, he apologizes and promises that it will never happen again or that he will change. Your partner knows your weaknesses and he goes after your most vulnerable parts, hurting you where he knows it will do the most damage. You feel ashamed, lost, alone, confused, numb, afraid, crazy, stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, embarrassed, unloveable, wrong. Your partner tortures animals, is mean to children, or nasty to waitresses.Your partner will play into this, claiming that other people are just jealous of what you have or are just trying to bring you two down. For example, if someone hurts them, they feel they have a right to retaliate.
No, not the inmates, but guards, employees, detectives, policemen, attorneys, whoever. They want to hear that I follow rules and never deviate from the plan. As if that wasn’t bad enough, as the warden was walking me out I said (you better sit down for this one) “I look forward to hearing back from you regarding the position.” But wait, that’s not all. So of course when I was sitting at a friend’s house and we were companionably swiping on our Bumble options side by side, we came across the same cute ginger at the same time. Left swipes and Right ones (figuratively and literally). We ended up staying for hours; talking, laughing, telling stories and just generally having a really good time.
You might try to talk about how you are feeling–your partner turns everything around and tries to talk about everything you’re doing wrong. Even when they hurt you, they make you feel bad for the pain it has caused them. They often don’t actually feel guilty about what they have done, only that they were caught. Other people might warn you about dating your partner–if they have a track record of abuse, most likely it is only a matter of time until they abuse you. Your friends and family wish that you would break up.
If you are a peaceful person, you might find yourself constantly fighting. You feel like there is something seriously wrong with you. You might say that you aren’t comfortable staying overnight together–your partner does so anyway. He or she might get upset–especially if you try to break up with them or say that you are leaving–however, there is no underlying remorse for hurting you. He or she might say that they are sorry if they hurt you (hit you, scream at you, cheat on you…etc.) and promise that it will never happen again, but their apology is more manipulative than sincere. They might speak badly about a previous partner, claiming that their previous partner was crazy, or a bitch, or an asshole.
Like flipping a switch, he can change drastically from one extreme to the next. He or she acts one way when they are around you, but completely different around your parents, and completely different around their friends. Slowly, you lose your friends until you feel like your partner is the only person you have left. Your partner cycles from mean and vicious to sweet and loving, then back again. He might set traps for squirrels or rabbits and then torture them.
It seems like your partner is two completely different people. Your partner finds faults with your friends or makes you feel bad or uncomfortable about any time you spend with other people. You want to believe that this is possible, but the cycle keeps repeating and each time your self-esteem is chipped away at, bit by bit. He might hit or kick your dog whenever he comes over.