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Air Traffic Control: A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. Algorithm: The Vice President of the Unites States of America attempting to sing doo-wop. Alien: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. Another war debt a lot of husbands would like to see cancelled; 3. American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour. Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics. Antique Collector’s Song: “You take the highboy and I’ll take the lowboy. Apocalipstick: What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet; 4. Arse Antlers: A tattoo just above the buttocks, having a central section and curving extensions on each side. Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage; 2. A young man who has perfected the delicate art of avoiding the issue; 45. Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Someone who would rather have a small role than a long loaf; 7. Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him. Admissions Office: Where you’re taken to admit that you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during ’new student weekend.’ Admonition: 1. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands. Blonde Joe-ks: Joe-ks that are short so men can understand them. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. Boaster: A person with whom it is sooner done than said. BP: Company in Gulf of Mexico that turns your barbecue into a tarbecue. The thing you are forced to use if you haven’t much formal education; 3. What a man looks for in a wife, after not using any in selecting one; 2. Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. An inner voice that warns us somebody is looking; 17. Consciousness-Raising: The fine art of teaching well-adjusted citizens to view themselves as victims of oppression. A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude. Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning. Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it. Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it’s worth repeating 9,876 times a day. Associate Producer: About the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes. Old auctioneers never die - they just look forbidding.. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people; 6. Man’s effort to make work so easy that women can do it all. Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ … A man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck; 15. A man who plays the field without ever fielding the play; 19. A man who, when he accomplishes something, gets all the credit himself; 21. A man who would rather wash a pair of socks than a sink full of dishes; 25. Bamboozle: To convince an angler to purchase a bamboo fishing rod. Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement. Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist; 4. A game many enjoy more than football because they don’t need a college education to get tickets; 4. Beach Erosion: A case of bad tidings Beans: Actor’s caviar. Beaulieu Hill: The optimum vantage point from which to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street. Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man. Beppu: The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page. Big Bang: The primordial slap on the backside of the newborn universe. Big Gun: Frequently an individual of small calibre and immense bore. Afrophobia: Fear of the return of 1970s hairstyles. That which makes wine worth more and women less; 2. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead; 3. Ash Tray: Something for a cigarette but when there is no floor. Asphyxiation: What a surgeon does about an asphalt. Aspiring: A group of trainee secret service agents. Assumed Decimal Point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer’s current salary in estimating his own worth. Audience: A collection of people willing to pay to be bored. An obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. BAT: What you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula. Average Husband: One who isn’t as good as she thought he was before she married him, nor as bad as she thinks he is afterward. A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less than that; 2. The fellow who gets mad when you refer to him as the average man. A man who hasn’t yet come face-to-face with a feminine roadblock; 16. A man who will get married as soon as he can find a girl who will love him as much as he does; 22. A man with enough confidence in his judgement of women to act upon it; 26. Something you find a use for after you’ve bought it; 5. Bear Market: A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. Beaurocracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one. Beauty: 1: A pretty, effective substitute for brains; 2. Beauty Shop: One who makes two smiles grow where one grew before. Because: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically. An intoxicating golden brew that re-emerges virtually unchanged one hour later; 3. Abstract Artist: A person who draws his or her own confusions. Accelerando: Hurry up, the conductor skipped a page. A period of rapid changes: between the ages of 12 ands 17, a parent ages 20 years; 15. The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone; 19. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction constitute a formal golf lesson’ 9. Usage: “Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.” Axiom: 1. Babworth: Something which justifies having a really good cry. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. Babylon: What the Preacher does during some sermons. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers; 5. A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.” Barber: 1. As in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”. A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who talks when you wish him to listen; 21. Contented Husband: One who is on listening terms with his wife. Contralto: A low sort of music that only ladies sing. Controversy: A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. Conventional: Not necessarily the way a man acts at a convention. A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages. A man who brings organized chaos out of regimented confusion; 2. Corset: Like love, something which binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature. Couch Potato: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner. Absurdity: A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas. Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them. Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take. Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. A small child who has not yet learned how to walk or crawl. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair; 2. Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts. Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away. Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications originally, and still don’t now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. Someone who goes on talking while you’re interrupting. Conversation Piece: A girl who likes to talk in bed. Converts: Gullible folk who have agreed to let an outside contractor renovate their souls. Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat. Coolant: An insect that’s, like, you know, got it all together, dude.

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